darn

After spending the whole day yesterday with my eyes practically glued to the computer screen and trying to decipher every single html code in my template, I view my blog today and find out that the stuff on the right side is not showing. Darn darn darn. Or is blogspot just down?

Jeez. A whole day and it still didn't come out the way I wanted it. So I guess that means this new layout is still a work in progress. If the right hand stuff shows up, you're gonna see that the links are not perfectly aligned in the center of the sidebar. I guess working on the new layout would have taken me a shorter time if I wasn't an OC with margins! I want every single padding, margin, and border perfect. But wanting to make it perfect didn't make it perfect at all. Not even close. Darn.

Aside from being OC with those darn pixels, maybe you'd also notice that I am a little obssessed with hands. Haha. My previous profile pic was an animation with the effect of my hand blocking a camera. Now my header image has an animation with the similar effect, with a hand shoving the id to your screen (well the animation is slow to achieve that effect). And if you look closely at the id, what's in the background? A hand, again. Harhar.

Oh, that's my hand by the way. I scanned it, photoshopped it, and practically put it everywhere in this blog.

A weekend is not enough for me. Hehe.

Still a work in progress. Will be working on a new layout this coming Christmas break. Haayyy.

I'm off to study now. Clin path and Micro exams tomorrow. And it's raining outside! Kakatamad tuloy. Sarap matulog nalang...

Okay, aloha!

waiting

If she's not asleep, she's probably reading my letter right now.

I said all the things I wanted to say in that letter. I was 100% honest. I'm worried it might make her angry again.

I hope not.

I hope she understands my purpose, my intention. And it's not to hurt her.

I'm still waiting for a response from her. A text message perhaps.

Argh. The agony of waiting...

I'm tired. I slept only for 4 hours last night because I made that letter.

Random thought: I want the Starbucks 2005 planner. Yeah nakiki-uso. Haha. Would somebody help me collect the stickers? :)

Oh, wish list update: No. 14. A miracle.

second chance

I don’t know if you guys noticed, but we’re (she was seated with us again during the p.m. classes) kinda okay. We went to Teriyaki Boy for lunch, because we wanted to talk somewhere distant from the school to avoid being talked about by other people when they see us with her. I ate Gyu-Yakiniku Don instead of the usual Tendon because I wanted to try the other items on the menu. It was rice with sliced beef with Teriyaki sauce and egg on top. I wish I just stuck with the usual. The beef was good, but the sauce mixed with the rice was too nakakasuya.

Enough with the food, I thought we were going to talk. But we didn’t, and I guess we were all sorta content with the situation of not having to talk about the topic that would surely bring up tension between us. I was surprised when she started handing out little yellow notes with a golden key attached to it. I was trying to look away, and I was half-expecting that she would also give me one. The other half I was expecting her not to give me one, because the story between the two of us was a little different and a lot complicated.

I received one.

When we came back to school, I went inside one of the cubicles in the CR and read it. I cried. Well, not really the cry I’ve done a lot during those times that we had the fight, but still, I cried. She mentioned about those things that we used to do when we were still together in one condo and sharing the same room: the conversations with Tata, the DVDs, window shopping, ghost hunting, the weekly groceries, and our Bulacan adventure when she went to Bulacan for my sister’s 18th birthday.

I was just teary-eyed when I read those. What made me cry was when I read this:

I’m sorry for everything.

All those words I said, about not being able to forgive her, about our friendship being forever broken… all those went away when I read that sorry.

Before today, I was really, really decided on being happy with the current situation. I was content with us being civil towards each other. I didn’t want to talk to her anymore, honestly, because I was sure all the anger and the pain we both felt before would surface. Even the thought of forgiving her was too much for me, after everything that happened.

But when she handed me a note with Sorry on it, that changed. She apologized to me, and I know it’s sincere, because though we haven’t talked, and cleared things up (which means there’s still the possibility that she believes I have done something wrong to her), she apologized to me.

I’m going to write her a letter after I post this entry.

Looks like this friendship has a chance after all…

Wow. Great feeling, I tell you.

wish list

Thanksssss Gingi!!! :) love the brownies. Hell, I ate a lot. If the box had a brownie counter, my name would have topped the list. Heehee! Thanks to Mabs too! :)

So yesterday after I ate a million brownies at Redg’s, Dimple and I headed to SM North Edsa. We originally planned to watch a movie (The Incredibles or Santa Santita because they were the most talked-about films), but it was already a little late. So we just checked for potential exchange gifts. I've decided on what I would like to have for an exchange gift: Body Shop’s Olive Body Butter. I’ve been lusting on that product for, I don’t know. 4, 5 years? I bought Body Butter before but I bought the wrong one because it was too greasy. Turned out I bought the one for very dry skin. Oh, I also want the Olive Dry Oil Mist! Smells sooo good! Just too expensive. I wanted to have a Winnie the Pooh carpet, but I changed my mind. I’d look for a black and white carpet muna. Okay, here’s my wish list:

1. My own room – seriously! I wanna have my own room at home! And its theme would be black and white!
2. a Yorkie!
3. cd-writer
4. a carpet
5. Body Shop Body Butter (Olive)
6. Body Shop Dry Oil Mist (Olive)
7. new pair of Birks
8. an aircon!
9. Body Shop Lip and Cheek Tint (I lost mine in school :( )or Benetint
10. LOTR DVDs
11. new eyeglasses (or contacts? Eeek. Scary.)
12. trip to Hong Kong (whaaa! Sana may magback-out para makasama kami!)

I’m going to update this next time. Haha. I want too many things. :)

Oh, number 13 on my wish list: No classes tomorrow.

Tomorrow’s a declared holiday- Transport holiday. I guess that means public vehicles will be scarce tomorrow. But whatever that is, it’s a holiday! There should be no classes! But guess what? We have classes. What’s more annoying is that, the Microbiology quiz will still be given tomorrow, but those who can’t make it to school will be excused.

Eh?

Enlighten me.

What the hell is that?

saturday thoughts

I was supposed to go with Tatay to Cavite, to visit my Tito Boy. But 2 consecutive nights of squeezing my brain to study for Pathology and Pharmacology (among other things) completely knocked me out when I got home. I guess my tatay witnessed how sleep-deprived I was that he didn't wake me up even before he left. I woke up at 9-ish, and he was gone. Although I was able to talk to Tito Boy because tatay called. He's not feeling well too. Jeez, another addition to the list of sick relatives. Seriously, what is happening to the family?

Oh yeah, my Tito Rey arrived last Monday from the United States. He was with his eldest daughter Denise, and my Lolo Larry. Haven't seen them yet, but my relatives told me Tito Rey still looked better than what was expected. I mean, he wasn't in a wheelchair or anything. He's yellow all over, and lost weight, but still good. His wife Tita Ninia and youngest daughter Rienne are set to come home this first week of December. They're spending Christmas here. I'm excited! It's been a long time since I've seen a happy Mendoza christmas. I bet everyone's gonna be present. I kinda missed those days when I was young. How occasions like Christmas, New Year brought happy family reunions and I see all my cousins, Titos and Titas having a wonderful time. My heart is closer to the Mendoza family than to the Sulit family. Haha. I don't know why. I've been like this even when I was still small. Haha. Am I bad?

Now on Monday, it's fiesta here in our barangay. Kainis, there are classes and I've got two exams on Monday, so I can't absent myself. My tatay just told me to bring some food on Monday and celebrate fiesta with my friends. Angie's cooking pot roast and menudo, Tita Bonita's going to make leche flan, and my Nanay Dely's coming to bring some more food. It's raining now, I wish on the day of the fiesta wag umulan para masaya. :)

Christmas is soooo near!!! Woohoo! Despite the financial problems, I still see a lot of decorations and I still feel Christmas! wee!

I want:

Saw this on the internet. Hehe. I don't know what's so special about Havaianas but I think this one's pretty.

Someone please give me a puppy please! Yorkies!!!! or Shih-tzu! They're too expensive, kaya hingi nalang. Haha! Dimplet, kumusta si Bridget? (hint, hint!)

Pay no attention to the Happy Halloween, the Yorkie's smiling!

Never mind the Havaianas, just thought it was cute. I want a Yorkie!!!! Somebody, please? It's Chrismas, and it's my birthday!!! :P

*EDIT* Cha!!! I got the perfume na! Thanks a lot!!! Mwah! Hope next time kayo na ni Che ang makauwi naman! :)

blogs - the next friendster?

Yeah. Joan and I were chatting online just a few nights ago, and we both confessed on how we're losing some interest in blogging. Well, not really. But there definitely was some reduction in my interest. It was like, "parang friendster: nakakasawa pala pag marami na". And blogger is really getting sloooowwww lately.

I'm not bragging or anything, that I'm one of those firsts in this thing, because I am not. I started blogging only last March, and blogs have been around for a long time already. I even thought this thing was for nerdy people, so I kept mum about my being a blogger for quite a while, until I found out I have classmates who were blogging as well. :) I even convinced my friends to start blogging as well, because I wanted them to experience how something so "nerdy" could be so great.

Now it's like becoming the next friendster. I was even more surprised to see in a magazine about Globe and Smart's blogs. I can't imagine globe offering a decent service without causing too much hassle and earning major bucks (haha I sound so anti-Globe. But my cellphone line's still globe. My father's asked me to have it terminated but my number's too "pretty" (easy memorization, dude) to give up. :P)

Okay I have nothing against those who are signing up for their blogs. This is a free country, and everyone's entitled to having their own blogs. That's okay, just as long as you're a decent blogger who doesn't use blogging as a way of picking on others who are blogging in peace. I've seen a lot of blogs where people leave nasty comments just because they get a kick out of annoying others. Now that sucks big time.

I hope I don't get nasty comments because of this entry. Haha.

But am not gonna stop blogging. Wouldn't want to stop my therapy. :)

Belated Happy Monthsary to my dear Bryan. Wow. 4 years and 5 months. :)
He's jealous of my blog, would you believe?

Hon, I love blogging, but I love you more.

super-size me

I saw this film last week, and it made me even more scared of consulting a doctor and getting a complete blood count.

Haha. Isn't it ironic? I'm studying medicine and yet I'm scared of going to a doc?

Yeah. You know what they say, "The worst patients are doctors." I guess future doctors (like me, hopefully) also included.

It sucks that after freshman year, Biochem, Physio, and Anatomy has made me very much aware of the effects of the food I am eating, and what could possibly show in the results of my CBC. Mr. Super-size Me Guy ate fastfood for only 30 days, and the numbers on his CBC are pretty... scary. Pano pa kaya ako? I've been eating fastfood almost everyday since 1st year college!

Problem is, despite knowledge of the possible effects of my eating habits, my stomach refuses to follow my mind.

But, good thing Super-size Me has at least taken my fastfood cravings away.

That's a good start, right? :)

Funny, just today, I ate A LOT. I ate like there's no tomorrow.

Behold cami, the food goddess!

After school, i ate:

6 pieces squidballs
cinnamon roll
ensaymada
2 superbawang (those mini packs of chichacorn)
rice and sinampalukang manok

All were eaten in a span of 2 hours.

Great job, Cami.

Oh crap.

P.S.

Belated Happy Birthday, Gingi!
mwah!!!

do that friendster thing

I'm bored.

1. Name : Niña Kristine Mendoza Sulit
2. Were you named after anyone? nope
3. Do you wish on stars? Yes, but only when there’s only one star in the sky.
4. Which finger is your favorite? Huh? Hehe hmm.. hintuturo? I don’t know.. guess it’s the most versatile? The thumb’s too short…
5. When did you last cry?: nung Days
6. Do you like your handwriting? : other people admire my handwriting (hehe vain!) but I think it’s still panget most of the time. Hehe may araw na maganda ang tingin ko sa sulat ko…
7. Any bad habits? : nagbubunot buhok when I’m thinking or studying
9. What is your most embarrassing CD on the shelf?: I rarely buy cds. I think I only have 2 original albums, craig david and boyzone. No, I am not embarrassed with having a boyzone cd. I used to be a great fan!
10. If you were another person, would you be friends WITH you? : haha I don’t know. People always tell me nakakatakot ako lapitan because I look masungit J
11. Are you a daredevil? : hmm medyo? I love the space shuttle and anchor’s away at ek. And I wanna try bungee-jumping and mountainclimbing and breakdancing.. hahaha pag pumayat ulit. But when it comes to trying out weird food, no way. I’m out.
12. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? : yes, because it was needed to save the situation
13. Do looks matter? : nope. It’s not like relationships are all about admiring your partner’s face..
14. Have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid?: yeah but can’t remember the word anymore… but I remembered saying the word wrong, “nakakasukasok” instead of “nakakasulasok” and my classmate laughed and said, “ano yun, suka na pumasok ulit?”
15. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? : sabi nila eh.. I wish rainbows stayed long enough for me to reach its end and find out..
16. Do fish have feelings?: Finding Nemo convinced me that they do..
17. Are you trendy?: no. my body won’t allow me to be.
18. How do you release anger?: I cry. I don’t throw things or punch pillows or people. I just cry.
19.Where are your second homes?: Tita Bonita’s house
20.What was your favorite toy as a child ?: I don’t remember.. but I still keep my childhood toys. I remember when our maid was going to throw all the old toys away because they were very dirty, but I stopped her because I was actually “naaawa” sa toys. Yep, naaawa ako sa mga bagay na matagal na samin and itatapon. Weird.
21. What class in school do you think is totally useless? : art appreciation?
23.Have you ever been on radio or television?: when I was young. Yung nag-field trip sa eat bulaga tapos dadaanan ka nung camera pag pinakita audience clapping? Hahaha!
25. Do you have a journal?: online only. Used to have one when I was in the 5th grade but got tamad writing. Masakit sa kamay.
26.Do you use sarcasm a lot?: yes. Haha! But you’d know when I’m being sarcastic.
27.Have you ever been in a mosh pit?: hell no
28.What do you look for in a guy/girl?: humor, brains, and a great attitude. Well basta mahal ko.
29. What are your nicknames?: nañi, sulit, cami, cams
30. Would you bungee?: yeah yeah yeah pag pumayat ako! I’ve been wanting to try that simula pa nung elem
31. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?: haha oo nga no? no, I don’t.
32. What are you worried about right now?: my ill relatives, my studies, my health (I’ve been experiencing dyspnea recently), my tatay’s problems
34. Do you think that you are strong?: I guess… sa dami ba naman ng pinagdaanan ko eh..
35. What's your favorite ice cream flavor?: selecta double dutch. No, I don’t like double dutch pag di selecta. Sorry ha di pa ko nakatikim nung haagen dazs. Poor eh.
36. What are your favorite colours?: black. And violet.
37. What is your least fav. thing in the world?: hmm.. anything that does harm?
38. How many wisdom teeth do you have?: 4. one’s impacted I think. I have to have it removed soon before it kills me… whaaa!
39. Are you in love with anyone?: yes.. hi bryan..
40. How many people have a crush on you right now?: does bryan count? If he does, one. If he doesn’t, zero.
42. Who do you miss most right now?: bryan..

Numbering's wrong. Haha. Yeah I'm bored.

2000 ford expedition warning

I was bloghopping yesterday when I found this about ford expeditions.

Don't just say "it's only in America anyway". Click here to read about the same thing happening here in the Philippines.

Eeeek. Katakot naman.

guilty pleasure

I did something wrong today. I felt guilty, but I also felt so good. :)

I accidentally found my sister’s diary.

I read it. Eeeek.

Yeah it’s wrong, but I was just curious on what my sister wrote on it. Crushes maybe? Or if she secretly has a boyfriend. Haha. Well because I was about her age when Bryan became my boyfriend. Okay, I was younger. I was 6 months away from my 18th birthday.

I found nothing written on it about any guy (to my disappointment hehe), and it turned out my sister wrote on it just right after her debut celebration. I didn’t read her whole entry completely, but as I was scanning it, I saw my name. What’s written:

"Yung ate ko, mahal na mahal ko yun sobra! Di nga lang siguro gaano naipapakita pero mahal ko yun."

Awww.

My sister knows the worst side of me. How really mataray, suplada, masungit, mapang-asar I am. We fight a lot, but we know we have a special bond between us like no other.

I love her to bits.

.....I am a toughie, but a softie inside.

Yeah I guess if you have really painstakingly read all my looooong entries, you probably have figured what a schmaltzy sucker I am. :)

Oh yeah, I'm not gonna do that again. It's my first time doing that.

Christmas, The Stepford Wives, Med Books and Rainbows

I am becoming a negligent blogger. I know, I know. I’m not even busy. But that’s about to change. I’ll be back to my old blogging ways I promise.

Christmas na, Christmas na,
Ang saya-saya

Weeee!!! My favorite month of the year! Aside from the fact that it’s Christmas, it’s my birthday too! Hehe. Pathetic plugging.

Don’t you guys just love Christmas? Try going to the mall. Even if you don’t have money to buy something, you feel happy just being there checking Christmas decors and Christmas cards, hearing Christmas songs everywhere, and watching people busily buying Christmas gifts?

Aminin, kahit wala ka pera, masaya db? But of course, mas masaya kung may pera. Hehe

Really, sana araw-araw Pasko. Not just because of the gifts (although they’re a plus), but because of the feeling of happiness in the air when it’s Christmas season.

The Stepford Wives - Ahaha. Not your typical Nicole Kidman movie. You’d be surprised what this movie’s all about.

I am planning to sell in Recto 5 of my medical books I used last year. I hate to do it, but well I’m not using them anymore and I have to raise some money for the books I need to buy this semester.

Baby Adams = P612
Pocket Pedia = 350

Mura db? Baby lang para mura.

Harrison’s Internal Medicine = P4,895. Argh. Why do med books have to be soooo expensive? Nicky says this is an important book because it’s the bible of Medicine.

Mag-garage sale kaya ako? Shucks… ano naman kaya ibebenta ko?

Took this picture last Friday when I was in Bulacan.

Yep, two rainbows. Amazing huh?

On L*ve, S*x and M*rriage

So I was about to post a new entry last Saturday about what I’ve seen from the show Y Speak. My, my. Before, the usual topics concerning sex were either of two things: 1) whether pre-marital sex is acceptable or not, or 2) whether virginity matters or not anymore.

But the issue last Saturday was…. which should come first, love or sex. Yes, sex ba muna bago love, or love muna bago sex.

Shocked? Me too. What’s more shocking was that there were actually guests there and members of the audience who were brave enough to have their faces seen on national television, who actually believed that sex should come first before love. I mean, they believed in it so much that they went there to insist that they’re correct.

The guests who were pro-sex-before-love:

1. Justin Cuyugan – I think he believed more on the other argument. He didn’t speak much, and well, he’s a guy. His explanation for believing that sex should come first before love boils down to the fact that it’s a bonus for a guy to have sex with someone, no strings attached. They love sex, don’t they?

2. Jam – I forgot her last name, but she’s a courtside newscaster during basketball games on Studio 23. This girl was different. She even won the “Babaeng Palaban” award because of the way she actually defended her belief. I think she got really pikon with Christian Vasquez. She believes that sex should come first before love, but there is a transition as she calls it. Uh, does that mean you have sex with a guy without a commitment whatsoever, and you have sex with him and hope that develops into love? Well what if it doesn’t? She also upholds that a woman should first live-in with her partner before they get married.

3. Some member of “The Bodies” – uh, don’t have much to say about her opinion. Just think of how a nymphomaniac would reply when asked about this issue. Hehe. It was apparent that it’s okay to have sex with someone she doesn’t love because, sex is sex, and she enjoys it. Oh, one thing she said that cracked me up: “Mauna na muna ang sex bago love para pag di kayo nagkatuluyan, mas hindi masakit db?” Ehhh?

4. Criselda Volks – Hahaha. Read: “You can never get to know someone unless you actually have sex with him.” Wtf? What was she thinking? Bahala na kayo…

Another thing, one of their utmost points was that couples should be sexually compatible in order for the relationship to last. That there are couples who are very much in love, only to find out when they sleep together that they are not sexually compatible, then comes the reason for separation.

On the other hand, the guests who believed that love should come first before sex were Dimples Romana, Mel Soriano, some UP student, and Christian Vasquez. I was pretty surprised that Christian Vasquez belonged to this group, I mean, with his reputation and all in showbiz, being sexy and all that.

Okay, here’s my opinion on this topic, added with the opinions of the pro-love-before-sex guests.

1. If sex comes first before love, what makes us any different from animals?

2. Trial-and-error should not be applied with sex. Love is very hard to find. What if you were destined to meet your soulmate 10 years from now, and he’s from another country? Ahehe. You think of the scenario nalang.

3. Love should come first before sex, thus the term “making love”.

4. Sex is not a tool for finding love. It is a sacred act for procreation.

5. Sexual compatibility is not a guarantee that a relationship will last forever. Relationships are based on love, trust, understanding etc. etc., and not sex. When you get old and you can’t have sex anymore with your partner, love is the thing that will keep you together.

6. If you have sex with someone you don’t love, and you get pregnant, you only have two choices: 1) get married though you don’t love the guy, 2) raise the child on your own if marriage is not possible. Either way, kawawa yung bata.
7. If you’re a girl, I think you know that you’re lugi when sex comes first before love. And there’s always the risk of getting pregnant.

8. The pro-sex-before-love says these are the ideal ways of viewing love and sex. But in reality, the opposite happens: sex comes before love. Well it’s your choice whether to follow what most people are doing or not, right?

For me, marriage muna.

Call me santa santita or what, but that’s what I believe in. I have nothing against those other people having pre-marital sex, it’s their way of expressing their love. (But total ngek-ngek for those people having sex without love). It’s the best gift I can give to my future husband, because I saved myself for him, and it’s his best gift for me, because he waited and respected my decision.

Oh yeah, Criselda Volks quoted “It’s just a piece of paper” (marriage).

I am not yet married, and I am years away from being married. But I do want to get married someday.

I believe that when you get married to someone, it signifies how much you love that person that you are ready to give yourself to him and only him, that you are ready to face the challenges of married life, that you are willing to take the risk because there’s no guarantee that your marriage will be successful. It means that you are ready to have a family of your own, that you don’t think of yourself only anymore. I believe that marriage is the greatest way of professing your love to your partner because you choose to spend the rest of your life with him. And it’s great knowing that your partner also marries you for the exact same reasons you have. That he’s also just as willing to take the risk of getting married though there’s no guarantee that the relationship will last forever.

Oh, to make that even clearer, I am posting some words I got from Mon's blog, which were said by the husband of his friend’s sister’s.

when i proposed to mai, i was frequently asked these three questions: are you sure?, how do you know? and are you nervous?. i answer the first two questions with this. you can never be too sure or too certain about marrying someone. but you can always have faith, and i think some things are best left to faith. faith in that you made the right choice. faith in that things will last forever. and maybe even longer. but most of all, there should be faith in the person you married. she is there, just as unsure as you, but just as faithful. have faith in love uniting two souls.for the third question, my answer is no, i haven't been nervous for the past six months (of the engagement). while it is true that this is the hardest and scariest decision a guy can make, it should very well be the easiest also. knowing that i love her is reason enough to commit my life to her.

Sweet, huh?

Now, is it just a piece of paper?

I am the cleaning guru

Yes, I am the cleaning guru. Haha.

I finally mustered enough industry yesterday to clean up my room. After a month of living like the word order didn’t exist, my room is now squeaky-clean. Harhar.. Yep, I meticulously sweeped the floor, arranged the clothes in my cabinet, as well as all my books and hand-outs (hardest task, I tell you), wiped the windows, mirror, cabinets, chairs, table, doors and walls with a wet washcloth followed by a dry cloth, and repositioned the bed. I also planned on waxing the floor, but finding myself still waist-deep in old transcriptions, I changed my mind. The floor is still too shiny for waxing anyway. That’s rationalization for you! Hehe

My room has now much more space, which is good because I have now a space where I can just vegge-out (not sure about the spelling though). Vegge-out = be still like a vegetable, lay like broccoli. Word courtesy of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. :)

I need a few more decorating bits and pieces to complete the look I want, and a carpet tops the list. No, not a carpet carpet. A Winnie the Pooh carpet. It’s much cheaper, and.. what else? I love Pooh. :) I originally wanted to have a corner with an Oriental look, but I decided to do away with it because I couldn’t find a store that sells my much-wanted triangle pillow thai cushion. Any of you know where I can get one? I’d still buy one if it’s sold here in the Philippines..

To make my cleaning skills seem more dramatic, I’ve decided to post pictures of my room before and after I cleaned it, ala reality show. Think “How clean is your house?”

Before

After

Before

After

My bed's new position: by the window. Thanks for the kind words kanina Gingi... Manakot ba??! hehe :P

My vegge-out stuff! My big, black bean bag, and yes, that's a beach chair. Masarap upuan eh. Right, Mitzi? :) I still have to arrange this though. This is my future vegge-out spot. :)

O db, O.A.? Hehe. Okay my room is nothing worth of your “Ooohs” and “Aaahs”. But I’m just excited about it because like I said, it’s my first time to have a room of my own. And I am proud of myself because I was able to clean it! Weeee!!! I mean, how many of you look forward to cleaning up a messy room?

Next stop, my laptop. I believe this is harder to clean than my room..

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

True.

My friend told me that you-know-who said that the anger she feels towards us exists no more. I couldn’t believe what she said, so I asked her to confirm it. And my friend sent me a text message last night saying that yes, I am no exception. Wala na rin syang galit sakin.

I couldn’t believe it. After the kind of fury that she showed me, I couldn’t believe that she would be able to do that. To actually feel no anger towards me anymore.

I didn’t know what to feel. Relief? Perhaps. I don’t know.

Did I deserve it? Maybe. To actually be forgiven for something wrong that I did is great. But to be forgiven for something that I never did, how am I supposed to feel?

Yeah I know I have my own mistakes. To be forgiven for those, that’s really really good. But to be forgiven for the one thing that started all this, which I never did in the first place…

I feel….. ?

Wait, when someone tells you she just woke up and felt no anger towards you anymore, does that mean she’s forgiven you?

No anger = forgiveness?

I don’t think so.. I think I’m wrong.

I haven’t forgiven her. I still feel angry whenever I remember all the things that happened between us. Read: only when I remember all the things that happened between us. Not all the time.

But I also want all of that to end.

When? I just don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.

But I guess I have to be. She’s here now, doing something that I never thought she would do…

She’s showing humility.

We’re set to talk, to straighten things out. But I’m scared. I’m scared that, old feelings will be back again. Malamig na ang sitwasyon, baka uminit ulit. Baka mag-away ulit. That’s what I don’t want to happen.

I’m going to have to face her.

And when I do, I hope I can tell her that five-lettered word…

Think I’m egotistical? You don’t know what I’ve been through. So don’t judge me.

It’s just sad that the best possible result would be to be in speaking terms with her again. What used to be a deep friendship will become a casual relationship now. Things will never be the same.

That’s the worst part of this.