more blah blah

Oh dear. Exams are here again. And what I am I doing? If not surfing the net, I’m playing those damn games Bejeweled and Zuma (your fault, Donnie!), watching DVDs I’ve seen a thousand times already, or eating, or playing with pictures in Photoshop. Anything, but study. Well, it’s a weekend. And on weekends, I forget everything about school. Hah.

I’m disappointed with the result of ABS-CBN's SCQ. Erich won. Well, I was rooting for no one actually (even DM, who’s from Bulacan). I’m not even a fan of the show. But based on stories from people about Erich and how she was rebuked by Loren (or is it Lauren?) because of a comment she made about Janelle, I've developed a dislike for her. Haha. I am a judge.

I think it’s better that people think of you first as a a bitch then discover that you are the opposite of that, than the other way around. You know, like girls that seem to be members of the Ms. Goody-two-shoes Club but turn out to be real bitches? Ick.

I remember Tere's letter to me during the retreat. It read:
Thanks for being nice to me kasi pag ayaw mo sa isang tao, halata.

Hehe. That was funny. But true. What can I say? Di ako plastik.

Although a lot of times my being too straightforward has gotten me into trouble. But I’m keeping that in mind. I’m trying to be less biting. But face it, I’m never ever gonna be thought of as a sweety-pie.

Moving on..

I still haven’t found a problem for PrevMed, dammit!

And I still haven’t found the code for Bob Marley’s Redemption Song (Paula P.’s background song which I mentioned in a past entry). Can anyone help me?

Why do Pharma teachers give quizzes that make you feel like they don’t want you to pass?

The past week, I was a witness to the murder of 20 guinea pigs. The guinea pig I supposedly reserved as my pet was the last one to experience this cruelty. I didn’t care about the 19 previously killed guinea pigs, but the sound of bones cracking as Donnie’s scissors cut through my guinea pig was all too distressing. Tsk tsk. All for the sake of fulfilling Pharma requirements.

Oh, the depression didn’t quite push through. Good thing. Now it’s replaced by inis. Inis to the heavens.

That’s it. Incoherent.

I think I drank too much Milo.

I am feeling better. Yay.

And I want this.

Yun lang.

I have sooo much to do. Argh.

dilemma

It's difficult.

You're feeling so low. And you know that the only person who can comfort you is the same person who hurt you.

is this it?

I've got a quiz for ClinPath tomorrow. I don't want to study.

I don't want to go to school.

I just want to stay home. Alone in my room. No music, no lights, no sound at all.

I just feel like crying.

I feel so empty.

I have never felt this way before.


Help me. I think I'm on the verge of depression.

have you ever felt like the world has just ended for you?

here i am with a splitting headache, but still managing to write an entry. this blog is my friend. I write everything and express how i feel with all honesty, and it doesn't complain. it just listens. even though what i'm talking about is just the same thing over and over. it doesn't understand a word i say, but i just need to let this all out. you know those times when you just need someone to listen and not say anything at all. and besides, my mind's too confused to understand any piece of advice that anyone would have given me anyway.

crying for a whole hour a little past midnight then going straight to sleep will make you feel down the whole day.

would that make a good research proposal for PrevMed? if Dr. Tapia asks me for some sort of basis for that, then that's simple.

ME.

from Riding in Cars with Boys:

"Marry me. Because I'm shit without you."

I wonder if someone will ask me that in the future. Yeah, a marriage proposal that has the word "shit" in it. But still, romantic.

I'm miserable.

And someone out there is happy that my life is falling apart.

drunk

click here to play

found this game through an email from a classmate.

New way to kill time. hehe

i'm kinda lousy though. highest score so far is a measly 48 meters.

nyerks.

i will practice.

I want a Pomeranian. I saw this cute one yesterday at a pet shop in SM and I fell in love with it. Really. Who's willing to donate P20, 000 so I can get it before somebody else does? :P

Dimple's brother and cousin brought us along with them last night to Kamuning, to eat ihaw-ihaw. I had 2 sticks of barbecue and 2 hotdogs. Db mas masarap ang pagkain pag binibili sa kalye? May special ingredient eh. Haha! Right, Dimple?

I hate people who are balimbing.

Likewise, I hate people who talk like they're perfect.

If you're any of the above, then I hate you.

Kung tinamaan ka, pasensya ka. Haha!

I have already collected 27 pictures (from section B) for my planner which I've transformed into a photo planner. I spend more time cutting out pictures than listening to lectures. It's fun, and flattering especially when a classmate asks you to do the same thing with her planner. :P (Mabeth, I'm going to give you a copy of Print Artist so you can choose the pictures that you want. :)

I love the song in Paula Peralejo's blog. Can anybody tell me the title?

I need a new cellphone. READ: need, not simply want.

I want the terry-cloth slippers from Crabtree and Evelyn. Are they still available? Last saw them 5 years ago. Ehehe.

I'm talking nonsense. As always. Harhar. Bye!

badtrip

My darn cellphone won't open.

Bwiset.

farewell, tito rey

Yesterday, my Tito Rey’s suffering has finally come to an end.

My tatay called me up early morning to tell me that my Tito Rey was again rushed to the hospital because he was again vomiting blood. This time, he was brought only to the Bulacan Provincial hospital because they can’t afford to bring him to St. Luke’s Medical Center anymore, after spending about 500,000 pesos for more than a week of hospitalization there.

When PrevMed class ended and I looked at my cellphone to see that my father had a message asking me if he could call, I knew something was very wrong. This was the same scenario I experienced when my mother was nearing her death: a relative calling me up during a schoolday, asking if I could go home earlier.

I decided to absent myself from Pharmacology class later that afternoon, and instead go home early. When my tatay picked me up, my sister and I started crying. We were both crying all the way home. My tatay drove the van as fast as he could; all the while not knowing what we are going to see when we arrive. My father has told us that my Tito Rey vomited blood that filled 2 liters of Sprite bottles in the hospital, excluding the other containers that he vomited into before he was rushed there.

I didn’t know what to pray for at that time, while we were speeding through the expressway. I wanted my Tito Rey’s suffering to end. He was going through the same thing that my mother went through. But I didn’t want him to die. Why can’t his sufferings just end and still live?

As I have mentioned in my past entry, he has gone through a lot of collapse and low BPs and blood-vomiting, but he still managed to survive. When we arrived at the hospital, I knew that this time, he wasn’t going to make it.

Everybody was present: his wife, his 2 children Reanne and Denise, his in-laws, his mother, sisters, brother, nieces and nephews, and even some neighbors who have come to love Tito Rey. Everyone was crying. It was very difficult for me, because I have seen this situation before. I knew how difficult it was.

I stayed there in the room, watching my him. A few minutes before he slipped into a coma, he was holding tight onto the hands of my Tito Ronald and my Tita Aida. His eyes were fixated at the ceiling, and to me it looked like he was looking at someone. He looked like he was pleading to someone. There were a number of times when he would make a sound, and squeeze the hands he was holding even more tightly, while lifting his body from the bed slightly. I swear, seeing him like that, made me think that he was already being taken but he didn’t want to, yet.

I knew why. Somebody has not yet accepted what was going to happen.

During the first few episodes of my Tito Rey showing paghihingalo, my Tita Ninia was going hysterical. But when she finally whispered to my Tito Rey “Sige na Dad, kaya ko na.”, that was when my Tito Rey finally tried to let go. He slipped into a coma, his blood pressure became lower and lower, his grip to the hands of his siblings became loose, signaling that he was soon to leave.

A few minutes later, his breathing became even more labored, slower, until it became irregular. Everyone around me started crying really loud. I didn’t know who to comfort, I just hugged whoever was beside me. Then suddenly, blood flowed out of my Tito Rey’s mouth, and he was gone.

For the second time in my life, I watched somebody die.

When my Tito Rey left, my Tita Ninia wasn’t hysterical anymore. She already knew what to do, she was calm. And I thanked God that she has already accepted it.

I really feel sorry for my two cousins, Rienne and Denise, who have no understanding yet of what was happening. Denise was still playing and jumping around, while Rienne was pointing towards my Tito’s room, saying “Daddy!”. I told Denise to take care of their mommy very well, but the look on her face showed her that my words were still too much for her young mind.

It really amazes me how brave and strong Tito Rey was. The few days that he was at St. Luke’s and I visited him everyday, I saw him struggle through the IV insertions, the pain, the difficulty of not seeing his children. I will remember him for the courage and strength that he has shown in fighting cancer. I remember one day, when he was standing up and stretching his limbs, I was exercising with him too, to lighten him up. He bent forward a little, and my Tito Ronald joked “Mag-ocho-ocho ka Rey”. He did. Despite all those tubes and the edematous limbs and the painful lower back and the distended abdomen, he did the “ocho-ocho”.

I know he’s now happy wherever he is, but he will continue to watch over his family. I just told him “Paki-hello nalang ako sa nanay ko.”

My Tita Bonita told me, that he told Tito Rey to pray, and he answered back “Hindi naman ako natatakot, dahil alam ko dun naman ako sa itaas.”

We will miss you Tito Rey.

new year, new hope

It's time for me to follow my mind more than my heart. I'm not yet ready to talk about this. I am so frustrated. Just thinking about this makes my blood boil.

Anyway, it's 2005. New Year's celebration is over. Thank God. I totally dread the celebration of the new year. All because I am scared of firecrackers. I don't know how people can stand the sound of super lolos, five star, kwitis, sinturon ni hudas, and gawd, that crying cow. I totally appreciate fireworks displays such as those of Enchanted Kingdom, because I can view them from afar, and the sound is not too much for my ears. Even when I was a kid, it took all the courage I had in me for me to play with watusi. If the watusi broke in half when I scratch it on the wall, I throw it away. I can't light it with my fingers about half an inch from the tip.

So last night, while everyone was busy waiting for the new year to arrive, I was busy looking for something to cover my ears. And what did I find? My stethoscope. I turned the diaphragm in such a way that the least amount of sound could be heard, and I clasped my hand around it to even more lessen the sound passing through. So yeah, I was wearing a stethoscope as 2005 came.

And then when we woke up this morning, my tita told us news that my Tito Rey was in a critical condition, and that the doctors told his wife that all we can do now is wait for that time to finally come. He was vomiting blood at 1 am of the first day of the new year, and his blood pressure dropped again drastically.

All the siblings of my tito went to St. Luke's Medical Center, prepared for the worst. We went there a little later because my tatay wouldn't let us miss the tradition of celebrating the first day of the year with the rest of the Sulit family. When we arrived, we were surprised when we saw him; he was okay.

Grabe. Ang tatag ng tito ko. This was not the first time that his condition went critical. He has gone through a lot of collapses, very low blood pressures and hemoglobin count, GI bleeding, and numerous transfusions. But he has never given up. Even his doctors are amazed by his strength, and can't believe that he still can talk and smile despite his condition.

The first time I saw him, all I felt for him was pity, and all I could do was cry, because I was seeing him in a situation that my mother went through. Now, it's amazement.. awe.. wonder. Lumalaban sya.

My sister took this pic earlier this evening, when we went to visit him. Can you see his faint smile? This was a 2nd shot. The first one, he complained "Di ako nakangiti". He has about 6 tubes connected to his body, including a naso-gastric tube, but he could still talk to us, and he was even joking, making us laugh. He used to be muscular and energetic, now he's thin and weak. But the strength he has shown because of his willingness to survive is much greater than what Arnold Schwarzenegger's muscles could account for.

The woman beside him in the picture is his wife, my Tita Ninia. She just lost her father early December 2004, and now her husband is very sick. But here she is, staying strong, fighting cancer with him.

I understand St. Luke's strict implementation of its rules and regulation, but I hope they would consider letting my Tito's daughters (8 yrs old and 2 yrs old, children are not allowed) see him. I guess it won't be too much to ask them to allow 2 young children to be with their sick father in the hospital.

I know my Tito hasn't much time left, especially when his doctor explained in detail what has been happening inside his body. But whatever happens, we are all prepared. We know we have done everything we could do to help him, he has done everything he could do to help himself, and that God is with us and with him.

Sana, maputol na sa kanya ang cancer sa pamilya namin, at sana, mawala na din ang cancer sa mundo.