Sembreak

Whew. Barely two weeks left and it's sembreak again. Though, I have ambivalent feelings about it.

Why?

I love semestral breaks because it's a break from school! Hello?

I hate semestral breaks because it's a time when I feel really really worried. I may be out on a gimmick and having fun with friends, but at the back of my head are nervous thoughts: "Makakapag-enroll pa kaya ako?", "May pang-enroll na kaya ako?"

You know what they say about clowns? They look all too happy about everything and they even make people happy, but deep inside they're really crying.

In that sense, I am a clown.

So a few more days and I'd be hanging by a thread again.


Am I bad?

Recently, I've really been getting bothered about what other people think of me.

Do I really look walanghiya? Am I really walanghiya?

Just yesterday, lunchtime, Dimple and Mitzi went ahead to go to the canteen, and I was left behind because I was waiting for Nicky. I shouted "Ayoko sa kabisera!" because I couldn't see Dimple and Mitzi anymore because someone was blocking my view. You know how mataray my voice sounds right? So when I caught up with Mitzi and Dimple, they told me that a classmate heard what I just shouted to them and said "Pati ba naman upuan pinag-aawayan nyo? Mag-rumble nalang kaya kayo para masaya?"

Yeah it's a joke I know.

Apparently, this classmate has been hearing about the fuss going on in our group. And with the "ayoko-sa-kabisera" thing, he thought I was actually in a fight mode? And to say "mag-rumble para masaya", does he think having a misunderstanding with a friend is a happy situation? That not talking to a friend because of some shallow reason that progressed into something deep, is masaya? Sorry, mister, but having a misunderstanding with someone is not masaya. Fighting is not masaya. Losing a friend is not something masaya.

Mababaw ako. Yeah. Just don't say things like that because you don't know me.

And another thing, 3 semesters, and I changed homes 3 times.

I hope you all understand that this is not something that I find nice.

I have personal reasons, and it's only the second home that I had a problem with, knowing that someone deliberately tried to make me leave. It's just so sad that some people think of it as funny, and for me it's not. Because I know it's inevitable for people to think that it's me who has a problem, with those frequency of moving out. I just find it sad that others make a joke out of it. I do make a joke out of it, yeah, to soften the blow. Humor is a defense mechanism, you know. But I feel hurt when other people make the joke out of it. Especially when the joke feels like it's implying that you're the one who should make "pakabait".

Yeah I know it was just a way of trying to make me laugh. But that hurt. Maybe something really is wrong with me.

I didn't do things to make myself leave. Changing homes is not a joke. Especially when friendships are involved. Trust me on that.

I am not mad, I'm just hurt. I'm sorry about this.