I don't like how I feel

I just got back from the retreat. Whew. I don't know how to describe it, but somehow I've never felt so guilty in my entire life. I hope a thing like this doesn't happen again.

What is happening to me?

Lately I noticed I've been too sensitive. A few remarks here and there and I end up getting hurt. Even jokes that would have made me laugh the life out of me turn out to be hurtful comments. I don't know why.

Something is wrong with me. That's for sure.

Have I changed? I don't know. Maybe? Maybe not? I don't know.

Should I change? I think so. I know for myself that I'm not what I used to be. Something isn't right.

Why is this happening? Is this because of the friend that I lost? Maybe. She has that much effect on me.

I thought she meant nothing to me anymore. I was wrong. All the while I was trying to convince myself and others that that's how I felt. How I should feel after all that's happened between us.

There she was, I wanted to hug her right then and there. I wanted to forget everything. I wanted things to be the same as before.

But I just couldn't make myself do it. I just couldn't make myself embrace humility.

Remembering what happened. What she did. What she said. I just couldn't accept the fact that she believes she has done nothing wrong to me and that I don't deserve her apology.

I want everything to be okay. But I couldn't forget the things that happened, which makes me not want to fix things with her.

I hate the feeling.