Thursday, October 28, 2004

The Patch Adams Effect

Being a medical student enrolled at St. Luke’s, I always pass by the Medical Center. The first time I went there, I couldn’t help but be awed at how beautiful the Medical Center is- looking more like a hotel than a hospital. Plus, the Operating Room visit made possible by our Surgery Clinics made me even more amazed at how beautiful a hospital St. Luke’s is.

But today, we went to Bulacan Provincial Hospital. I’ve always heard horrible stories about this hospital, how my relatives always try to avoid going there as much as they can whenever they need to be hospitalized. My Tita Bonita who gave birth there, told me about how pitiful it is to stay there.

When we arrived there, at first it was all okay. I mean, it’s a government hospital, so it’s understandable that it’s no St. Luke’s Medical Center in splendor. The wards were similar with those of the Medical Center’s, with hospital beds side by side in one room. Only, there were no curtains to separate the individual beds to give each patient some privacy, and there were ceiling fans instead of airconditioners. Also, there were no doors separating the wards from the halls of the hospital, but only a wall with a wide opening. So you can imagine how just about anyone can freely enter and exit the wards, and how someone passing by can see all of the patients inside with just one glance.

But when I saw the ICU I was talking about in the entry above, that was when I realized how pitiful government hospitals really are.
Intensive Care Unit. As far as I know, and as far as I’ve seen on TV or in the movies, it’s an area that has the most restrictions. You’re supposed to wear a gown or scrubs, a mask, a cap, booties, etc. Ok, I’m talking about the required attire inside the Operating Room, but that’s how someone is supposed to be in the ICU too right? You have to be sterile. And visitors are not allowed unless it’s absolutely necessary.

But the ICU in the Provincial Hospital was different. Way different. Had it not been for the sign made of cardboard with the letters I C U written on it, I would not have realized the area Tata Itoy’s been staying in, is the ICU. The only difference it had from the wards I described earlier, was that it had a glass door, and an airconditioner. Apart from that, nothing else. There were also no curtains, I didn’t see anyone wearing gowns or scrubs aside from the nurses checking up on the patients. There was a sign on the door that said “Bawal ang dalaw”, but, bawal nga ba? My tatay freely entered the ICU to look at Tata Itoy, and I even told him to not enter because the sign said so. But apparently, di naman bawal. Anyone could freely enter the ICU. Even the ones without business there could enter. I watched in disbelief as people coming from outside the hospital opened the doors of the ICU, and entered without caution. No one was even there to guard the ICU, and make sure that the rules were followed. Not even the nurses at the Nurses’ Station situated beside it cared. And the glass doors of the ICU- the only piece of equipment that served to separate the delicate patients from the rest of the dirty outside world- wouldn’t even close completely. Everytime someone would enter, the doors would be left ajar.

So for that time that we stayed there outside while I listened to Inang Yola and my tatay talking about Tata Itoy’s condition, I made myself useful. I closed the doors completely after someone came in or out of the ICU.

Grabe. While every patient confined at St. Luke’s Medical Center settled for the best medical service, the patients at the Provincial Hospital were content with the acceptable. Though at times, when you look at it more closely, it’s not even acceptable.

I felt guilty right there, knowing how much money I spend on my tuition fee when it can help a lot of people there with their health problems. I remembered Julia Stiles in “The Prince and Me”, where her target work places were countries where medical services were most needed, instead of places where her career as a doctor would flourish.

I wish I could also sincerely think that way.

I’d be a hypocrite if I say I’d like to work there at the Provincial Hospital instead of at St. Luke’s Medical Center. I’d be plastik if I say I’ll settle for the passable standards of the Provincial Hospital instead of the first-rate principles of the Medical Center.

But there is one thing I am sincere about, no pretensions whatsoever: I want to help other people.

Yes, I still think of my own welfare, of what’s also good for me, because if not, there’s no doubt I’d work as a doctor with free services. I’m on my 2nd year as a medical student, and I still have 3 more years before I finally graduate from medschool. I still have 3 more years to finally realize how I could help other people with my chosen profession. I may not be as exceptional as Patch Adams, but I know my desire to help is just as sincere as his.

And it’s more than closing faulty ICU doors.

A Special Request

This morning I got to talk to my Tita Ninia, the wife of my Tito Rey, who I’ve told about in a recent entry- my uncle with liver cancer. I avoided talking to my Tito Rey though he was also there with my Tita, just because I didn’t know what to tell him, what to say to him, how to make him feel better, knowing his present condition. Stupid huh?

So then my Tita Ninia told me that aside from his husband battling cancer, her father is also now in the hospital because he got a stroke about 4 days ago. His condition is so bad now, that she told me her other relatives are “naghihintay nalang” for that time. So I immediately sent my tatay a text message about Tata Itoy’s condition (my Tita Ninia’s father), and suggested that he visit him in the hospital before he comes home.

Oh dear. I can’t imagine what my Tita Ninia now is going through. First, her husband- my Tito Rey. And now, her father. When I lost my mother to cancer, there was no way I could describe how difficult and painful it was for me and for my sister to lose a mother, and for my tatay to lose a wife. But my Tita Ninia, both her husband and her father are dying.

This afternoon we went to the Bulacan Provincial Hospital to visit Tata Itoy.

So when we arrived there, we didn’t know what room he was in. All we knew was that he was in the Provincial Hospital. We only knew his last name, which we asked from the Information area, but we had to look for him by ourselves because there were a lot of patients with the same last name as Tata Itoy’s. We searched for the wards but we were unsuccessful, and as my tatay was inquiring at the Nurses’ Station, I happened to be standing outside the ICU. I took a peek, and saw a man lying in the nearest bed, with a lot of tubes connected to his body- 3 bags of dextrose (I don’t know if they were all dextrose), a naso-gastric tube, and one for his oxygen support. The man’s condition was pitiable, and after a few seconds, I finally realized that the man I was looking at was Tata Itoy himself.

A few minutes later, Inang Yola- Tata Itoy’s wife- arrived. When my tatay asked her what had happened to Tata Itoy, she burst out crying. God, when she started crying, my eyes also welled up with tears. I tried hard to control myself from crying. Yeah, I barely know Tata Itoy, but seeing someone crying because of a loved-one suffering was enough to move me to tears. I know how it feels. I know how difficult it is to see someone you love suffer, and yet you can’t do anything to help him/her.

After a few minutes, Inang Yola calmed down and she was able to tell us more clearly about Tata Itoy’s condition. His CT scan result showed a ruptured artery at the back of his head (don’t know my Neuroanatomy anymore). Also, he has GI bleeding, and other complications. While my Tatay and Inang Yola were talking, I watched Tata Itoy through the glass door of the ICU. There was one moment when he was coughing, and I could see that it hurts him when he coughs. His right hand reached up for his nasogastric tube, as if he wanted it removed, only his daughter who was beside him stopped him from doing so. I don’t know, but when I saw that action, I thought maybe he wants his suffering to end.

The doctors told Inang Yola that Tata Itoy’s prognosis is bad. Inang Yola said that she has readied herself for the worst that may happen. Although the doctors have given up on her husband, they still decided for him to stay at the hospital. They want his suffering to end too, but they can’t take him home and also give up on him because it would be like they let him die. They’re still hoping.

Because when a loved-one is fighting for his life, you join him and fight for him too until the end, right?

Everyone who gets to finish reading this entry, please help me pray for all my ill relatives, as well as for my Tita Ninia. She is trying to be strong, because that’s the best thing that she can do right now, but I know this is very difficult for her to go through. Her family is planning to come home to the Philippines this November, but they’re still working on it. You know how it is in the United States- lots of things to settle before you can leave. Plus, tickets aren’t cheap, so there’s also the problem of money. But she told me lots of their friends there are helping out, and I really wish they could come home soon, as her mother also wishes, so she and her father can see each other before it’s too late.

Please, help us pray for them. Thank you.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Happy


Happy sha la la
it's so nice to be happy

Know that song, right?

Well I'm happy. :)

Finally.

I've been low-spirited the past couple of days, and it's time for me to finally lighten up a bit. Yeah well there's still the problem of sick relatives... but, I asked
Mr. Jim Paredes and his blog readers for prayers and it feels great to know other people are praying for a miracle for your relative too. He's a great man, and his being great is way beyond his being an APO. Read his blog and you'll know what I'm talking about. :)

Okay, moving on...

So I'm happy. Yep. Been spending two whole days with Bryan, and I'm gonna seem him again later. :) Oh, I also finally bought the bean bag I've been lusting on since the start of the recently-ended semester. The owner of the condominium I used to live in has this huge bean bag, and I've been wanting to have the same thing. So last Monday, Bryan and I went to Dimensione and finally bought the bean bag. It's larger than the one I wanted originally I think, and it's black-my fave color! Weeee!!!

What else? Hmm.. We were supposed to go to Clark today, to submit something so we can get out passports, but it's Angie's enrollment so Tatay had to postpone it. Why passports? Tita Edna and Tito Philip (family friends) have decided to treat a couple of their friends to Hong Kong this Christmas. Yes, Hong Kong, treat. All expenses paid. Unfair! Di kami kasama. Anyways, we're getting a passport just in case some friends decide to back out. Everything has been reserved so if someone backs out, another has to fill in the spot because it's all been paid for. I wish someone backs out. Haha. I'm bad.. I mean, it's Christmas time (yep, their scheduled on December 25-27) and most of them have very young kids. So, you know... di pwedeng iwanan... Haha. Jeez. I sound so desperate... I've never even been on an airplane.. the farthest I've been to so far is Baguio (North) and Lucena (South). Pathetic..

Whaaa. Sabi ko Happy ako eh. Hay.

Okay, here's just the pic of me and my new bean bag. Just imagine how huge that is for you to still see a part of it despite my body. Hehe.





Who doesn't love bean bags?


That's all for now. Adios!

Happy sha la la...


Sunday, October 24, 2004

Meet the Parents

I finally met Bryan's whole family. Yup, just this morning, at 8 am. They're attending an affair this afternoon in Manila, where his uncle would be receiving an award. He said his sister wants to meet me as well as his cousin Marlet who used to be my textmate back when Globe wasn't on a pay-per-text basis. So since they were to visit also his relatives in Malolos, they decided to pass by our house too.
So yeah, I was already up even though it was still dark. Haha. I was nervous. :P I already met his dad before, but this time I'd be meeting the whole family.
It went well. Haha. Jeez, I was face-to-face with them for only 15 minutes. Meet lang talaga. Although I looked stupid again, hiding behind Bryan because I was shy. Yep, there goes Pretzel NiƱa again.. tsk tsk.
Tatay also met his sister and cousin and her friend, because his parents and uncle and aunt were left in their car. I went out with Bryan to meet them, and asked them to stay even for coffee, but they were running late I guess so they had to leave agad. Well at least I got to meet them. :)
I like his Mom. :) Pero takot ako sa Dad nya. Hehe Patas lang. Bryan's scared of my tatay too. :P
When they arrived at his uncle's house in Malolos, Bryan sent me a text message. His aunt's father asked him, "Ano Bryan, mamamanhikan na ba tayo?"
Sheesh. Hehehe. But that's a good sign right? I mean, I must be okay for them to think of me as Bryan's future wife? :)
Although I don't want to get married pa. Not yet. :)

Finally!!!!!


Wahahaha!


I'm addicted. :)

Will be working on a new layout soon. Weeee!!!

Thank you Che

Every cent you give brings me a step closer to my dreams.

Thank you so much.

Friday, October 22, 2004

God's Hand


I was feeling bad since last night so I pulled out my box of letters trying to find words that would somehow comfort me. I just want to share this poem that my friend Nicky made in her letter for me for Days.


God's Hand
Sometimes we must be hurt in order to grow
We must fall in order to know
We must lose in order to gain
Some lessons are learned best only through pain
Sometimes our visions clear
Only after our eyes are washed with tears
Sometimes we have to be broken so we can be tender
Sick so we can rest and think better
On things more important than work or fun,
Trip near death so we can assess how we've run
Sometimes we have to suffer lack
So we can know God's provision
Feel another's pain
So we can have a sense of mission
So take heart, my friend, if you don't understand today
Instead of grumbling, ask God what he means to say
In order to learn you must endure
And learn to see the bigger picture
In order to grow, you must understand
Look beyond the hurt to God's loving hand
That takes what is good and gives what is best
And on this blessed though, rest
As your anxious heart, with questions, wails
God's hand only gives what His loving heart dictates.

It's a beauty. Thanks Nicky.

To all the people I have hurt, or offended, intentionally or unintentionally, I AM SORRY.

Ate Tina, I'm sorry.

To Bryan, I am sorry.

To you, know that this isn't something I wanted to happen. I have my share of faults, mistakes, stupidity, ignorance, and pride. But don't blame me for what happened. You're hurt I know. I know how it feels to be left alone by friends. But please, like what I did before, be humble enough to reach out and accept your mistakes. I know the things you said were a result of so much anger, and I would've accepted all things you said if you had a right reason to say all those. I hope you understand that I am just a person too, capable of getting hurt.

I never thought I'd say this, and this proves nothing more than I am a coward because I'm saying this in my blog, instead of telling you personally... but for the pain I have given you, the things I have said, and for my faults, I'm sorry.

I hope I'd be able to say that to you in person real soon. Yes I'm not ready. Just because I still have my pride to hinder me from doing that doesn't mean that sorry isn't heartfelt.

I hope this is the last time I cry over this.

I don't like how I feel

I just got back from the retreat. Whew. I don't know how to describe it, but somehow I've never felt so guilty in my entire life. I hope a thing like this doesn't happen again.
What is happening to me?
Lately I noticed I've been too sensitive. A few remarks here and there and I end up getting hurt. Even jokes that would have made me laugh the life out of me turn out to be hurtful comments. I don't know why.
Something is wrong with me. That's for sure.
Have I changed? I don't know. Maybe? Maybe not? I don't know.
Should I change? I think so. I know for myself that I'm not what I used to be. Something isn't right.
Why is this happening? Is this because of the friend that I lost? Maybe. She has that much effect on me.
I thought she meant nothing to me anymore. I was wrong. All the while I was trying to convince myself and others that that's how I felt. How I should feel after all that's happened between us.
There she was, I wanted to hug her right then and there. I wanted to forget everything. I wanted things to be the same as before.
But I just couldn't make myself do it. I just couldn't make myself embrace humility.
Remembering what happened. What she did. What she said. I just couldn't accept the fact that she believes she has done nothing wrong to me and that I don't deserve her apology.
I want everything to be okay. But I couldn't forget the things that happened, which makes me not want to fix things with her.
I hate the feeling.