Sorry seems to be the hardest word

True.

My friend told me that you-know-who said that the anger she feels towards us exists no more. I couldn’t believe what she said, so I asked her to confirm it. And my friend sent me a text message last night saying that yes, I am no exception. Wala na rin syang galit sakin.

I couldn’t believe it. After the kind of fury that she showed me, I couldn’t believe that she would be able to do that. To actually feel no anger towards me anymore.

I didn’t know what to feel. Relief? Perhaps. I don’t know.

Did I deserve it? Maybe. To actually be forgiven for something wrong that I did is great. But to be forgiven for something that I never did, how am I supposed to feel?

Yeah I know I have my own mistakes. To be forgiven for those, that’s really really good. But to be forgiven for the one thing that started all this, which I never did in the first place…

I feel….. ?

Wait, when someone tells you she just woke up and felt no anger towards you anymore, does that mean she’s forgiven you?

No anger = forgiveness?

I don’t think so.. I think I’m wrong.

I haven’t forgiven her. I still feel angry whenever I remember all the things that happened between us. Read: only when I remember all the things that happened between us. Not all the time.

But I also want all of that to end.

When? I just don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.

But I guess I have to be. She’s here now, doing something that I never thought she would do…

She’s showing humility.

We’re set to talk, to straighten things out. But I’m scared. I’m scared that, old feelings will be back again. Malamig na ang sitwasyon, baka uminit ulit. Baka mag-away ulit. That’s what I don’t want to happen.

I’m going to have to face her.

And when I do, I hope I can tell her that five-lettered word…

Think I’m egotistical? You don’t know what I’ve been through. So don’t judge me.

It’s just sad that the best possible result would be to be in speaking terms with her again. What used to be a deep friendship will become a casual relationship now. Things will never be the same.

That’s the worst part of this.