homebody's frustration

I am tired. I am very, very tired.

I don't know how I managed to get through the week. I've never felt so tired in school in my entire life. Or is it because I've been here in QC for 2 weeks straight already and so far this has been the longest time I haven't seen home? Yeah 2 weeks. Pakialam mo kung masyado kong mahal ang bahay namin sa Bulacan?

I cried twice in school today. Frustration.

Since 2 weeks ago I have been researching on a problem for our PrevMed proposal. I was even absent almost the whole day last Wednesday because I spent a lot of time online that I slept at 3am. All because of researching for a potential research problem. And then we only got a problem approved yesterday. When I came home, I immediately researched online for related literature. Too bad, the most important journals weren't offered free online. I must've signed up for more than 10 sites trying to avail of the full-text of those journals. I managed to get some, but still the more important ones were unavailable. I woke up early this morning and immediately connected my laptop to the internet again and searched for journals again, while printing those I found the night before. All my print-outs were in red ink, because my printer's ink was starting to run out. I only stopped printing articles when the ink finally gave up on me and produced copies in yellow which weren't readable anymore.

So I came to school with those copies. I wasn't able to read them anymore because I had to review for an exam in Pharma, and I had to sleep too, you know. During PrevMed I went to the library trying to look for articles in the journals available there. And when we finally talked to Dr. Tapia about our research, what happened? Sabon to the max. That we didn't read the articles. Almost all the articles were crap. We weren't prepared. That we didn't even talk about our problem. Well, okay. We didn't talk about our problem.

I'm so frustrated because... let's just say, almost all the related literature articles were printed in red. It's difficult to talk about it here because I would appear to be the bad one, or the bitch when I talk about it. And to be perceived as a bitch by people is not something I can be proud of.

They wanted to meet up tomorrow in school so we could work on the proposal. I declined because I'm going home tonight. And if we go tomorrow, and have read nothing about our topic, wala din mangyayari. I was really irritated when I someone said, "Pano yan eh kailangan na sa Monday?" Hello? I've been doing nothing lately but research for PrevMed. Sana naisip mo yan dati pa nung nagkukumahog pa lang akong maghanap ng problem at kung ano-ano pinapakita ko kay Dr. Tapia para lang masabing naghahanap tayo kunwari..

I don't think it would be too selfish of me now to think of myself and go home. I'd still be researching, and preparing for the proposal-writing, but at least I'd be home.

Give. me. a. break.