honesty

Sometimes people come into your life and you know that they were meant to be there...to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be but when you lock eyes with them, you know that every moment they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, will power or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul.Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly-paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart to. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go out and live it.

---------

"The thing that makes me wanna cry is, I'm losing the best friend I ever had."

-from My Best Friend's Wedding

People, I hope you understand that line first before you react and shoot me.

sembreak finally

Yahoo.

That's a happy yahoo or a sarcastic yahoo depending on how you read it. Honestly, I don't know if I'm happy that I'm home or if I'm not. Can't show my true feelings here. While in QC, I have the whole room where I can just lock myself up and.. well. Some people know. I'm a great actor, huh? I remember this tv show which featured the clowns of Enchanted Kingdom, and one clown said that it's difficult to be one because what you try to show them is a happy and a without-a-care-in-the-world person, but deep inside you really are hurting. So true. And I found out crying can actually take me on the verge of fainting. Breathing just gets too damn hard.

Anyways..

How can you be friends with someone who doesn't even have respect for you? Someone who magnifies his/her happiness by telling the world lies to make you look bad in the eyes of others? You can't understand why they do that. I mean, you know they know what they're telling is not true. They know you can't do that.

Okay I'll stop. Life isn't fair huh?

So, it's sembreak finally. But I just got home today, although classes ended last Tuesday. Well after exams, we went home to change and then prepared for dinner. We rode Donnie's kakarag-karag car, (hahaha! Thanks! Quite an adventure) all the while praying that the car won't give up on us. Luckily, it didn't. So we went to Eastwood and had dinner at Jack's Loft. Loved the place and the food. Although we were seated next to a guy who was ready to shoot arrows at the staff for not being attentive to them.

Then after that, we were strolling around, not knowing where to go next. We all just didn't want to go home yet. We deserved that break after all those toxicities in school. And then we passed by UP Diliman, and this crazy Donnie just drove around to tour the place. My goodness. I never want to go that place again. We entered this road where it was really dark and scary, and Donnie was laughing because I got quiet suddenly. He was happy I guess that someone could relate to what he was seeing. No, I didn't see anybody. But the feeling was just too much I closed my eyes and covered them with my hands before I could see anything. But I felt that there were many people around us, looking at us. Yes, spirits. I don't even know how to explain that feeling. It was really scary, I really went weak. I was already about to cry because I was so scared. They must've thought at first I was kidding, and Donnie was really laughing at me. But when I begged him to leave the place immediately because I couldn't take it anymore, I guess they realized I wasn't kidding at all. If other people want to have that gift arrive at their doorstep, they can take mine before it even reaches me. I don't want to have that kind of gift. I'm happy being ordinary, seeing only what an ordinary person can see, nothing more, thank you.

So after that scary thing, we decided to go to Quezon Ave. and try to see what bars have good shows that night. Then we came upon Punchline, and decided to go there when we saw Anton Diva was performing. It was hilarious! Haha. They were really funny. Very green, but still very funny. And Tuko! Omg, he was awesome. Haha. The voice! And that mannequin talent. Haha. Too bad they took my camera, it wasn't allowed inside, so we weren't able to take pictures. Cristy Fermin was there with Joseph and Sandara. Sandara was sooo thin! But yeah, pretty like on tv. :) And then, at 2 am, we left. I wanted to stay a little longer, since the 2nd set was just beginning, but, we have to go home before Nicky transforms into Dugong. :)

Then yesterday, woke up early to go to school and submit my pediatric history, then afterwards, Dimple and I went to SM North. I had my ears pierced again, and of all times for my symptoms to attack, why did it have to be during an ear piercing? Good God. I really really looked stupid to the people of Ibay's because after the 2nd earring shot through my earlobe, I suddenly just went dyspneic, pale, and my vision was slowly turning dark. Imagine what they were thinking. Fainting because of ear piercing?? And the lady who was doing the piercing was so scared she was asking me if I still wanted to continue, and she started talking to her workmates in a really fast native language. She was almost panicking. Whaaaa!!! I showed her my medicines and explained to her how my heart problem makes me feel like fainting and all. She really thought it was due to the piercing. Hello! It's like, what, my 3rd time to have my ears pierced? That was really embarrassing. Next time I'm buying earrings there I'll first have to take a peek if any of the 3 ladies are there or not. Jeez. Will I be like this the rest of my life? Having attacks anytime, anywhere? This is going to be difficult...

I'm going to be scheduled for my wisdom teeth extraction. Yes, teeth. Two of them grew inside my mouth in an unconvential way. This is what really scares me now, because I'm at risk of having infective endocarditis because of my valve prolapse. Oh God I hope I don't get it. I'm really really getting paranoid. I still want to live happily for many more years. Huhu. I'm going to buy the damn best antibiotics the world has ever heard of.. Hehe.

And now, here I am. Home.

Yahoo.

another goodbye

My 25-year-old cousin with cerebral palsy died just this morning because of choking. I feel very sorry for my Nanay Dely who loves her dearly. My father told me she's feeling guilty about my cousin's death. She was the one feeding her during breakfast. I hope that feeling would go away soon because she has no reason to be guilty at all. She's taken care of my cousin for 25 long years, I've witnessed how well she took care of her.

God bless them. Say hello to God for me, ate Rendell. :)

mvp

So last night while reviewing for Pharma, it happened again. I was already dyspneic for an hour, then I suddenly felt again my hands going numb, and my vision turning dark, and me not being able to breathe. God, I panicked. I mean, who wouldn't panic? I couldn't breathe. When I told Dimple I'm sure she must have felt so scared too. What were we to do? Jeez. What am I supposed to do when I have that kind of attack again? Good thing when I started crying because I was so scared, the symptoms gradually disappeared. I wasn't able to study for Pharma well because of it. I was dyspneic until I fell asleep. I must've gotten tired from all the crying that I eventually fell asleep.

True enough, I was almost clueless about all the prescription questions. Thank God I got good scores the first two exams before. Then after the exam, we went to Yellow Cab for lunch, Dimple's birthday treat. Then Ice Monster after. Yum. Thanks Dimplet! Belated Happy Birthday! :)

Then after that, we went straight to Delos Santos Medical Center for my 2D-Echo result. I was right, Mitral Valve Prolapse. I had thickening of the anterior mitral valve leaflet with posterior displacement during systole. But the rest are normal, including the color-flow doppler. Whew. According to Nicky, I should really start a TLC. I'm now one of the few people in class with uncommon conditions: one has SLE, another with Pseudotumor Cerebri, one with Thrombocytopenia, and another with Ma.... hehehe. Make a guess.

Anyways, I almost forgot. This blog just turned one. Too bad I had to take down my first blog.

Sembreak's in less than two weeks! Woohoooo!!!!!!

Then at the start of next sem, we're up for the Case Con. Darn.

the sixth

It’s been 6 years since my mother died. Six years might seem like a long time already, but even now, I can’t believe it’s already been that long since I last saw my mother alive. I’ve already been used to living my life without my real mother with me, but still when I’m alone not doing anything, I remember her, and I just start crying.

I know my father’s been really good, he’s been doing everything for us, and he’s not breaking his promise to my mother that he will take good care of us. But it’s still different when you have both parents with you, instead of just one. Just think, losing a leg and having prosthesis. Although it’s functional and you can live your life normally, that leg is lost forever, you know you lost a part of you, and your life will never ever be the same.

Whenever I see children with their mothers, I just feel so envious. I’ve always thought what life would have been like if my mother was still here with me. I’d always imagine her witnessing me graduating from medical school and fulfilling my dream, getting married and having a family of my own, spoiling my kids and taking care of them just like the way she took care of me and my sister. That would have been wonderful. Suddenly, reality sinks in, and I realize it’s simply impossible.

I wish she was still here with me. I’d give anything just to see her alive again and just be able to hug her again even just once.

But then, I also think, if my mother had still been alive, would I have realized how blessed I am to have my tatay? How wonderful a father he is? Maybe that’s what God’s plan was for taking away my mother away from me early. That even if I lost one parent, there still is another one who deserves all my love and respect, who is capable of taking care of me like the way my mother did, who will still be there to witness me fulfilling my dream of becoming a doctor, getting married and having a family of my own, spoiling my kids, and yes, even arguing with the other moms whose kids start bullying mine.

Funny how God thinks of ways for us to realize how blessed we are and how grateful we should be despite our problems, don’t you think?

I know you’re happy up there with Him, Nanay, and you’re still watching over us. I miss you.

nyerks

Two weeks. I’ve been too busy and too lazy to blog.

Didn’t come home last weekend because of Days. Hayyy. It was fun, but I would’ve enjoyed it more had I not been too pooped the week before. Those times that I could’ve stayed in the prayer room and talked to Him alone, I just spent sleeping and trying to get some rest for the upcoming week. Psssh. And the issues. Oh the issues. Forgive me… They’re just inevitable sometimes. There just are some people with ugly things written all over their faces and sometimes you just can’t help but notice and read them.

I’m now taking Propranolol. Just last Friday during a discussion I suddenly just had palpitations. I was already scared at first because that was the first time I had that kind of palpitations and with that duration. Then when I tried participating in the discussion I just couldn’t breathe, and I got so scared that I felt my arms going numb. The next thing my classmates were around me and Dr. Ong was trying to feel for my pulse, and told me to go to the clinic. That was so scary, I cried. Just imagine not being able to breathe. So then I went to the clinic, and thankfully the symptoms disappeared. And I got my 2nd order to have a 2D-Echo plus a hefty serving of sermon from Dr. Velasco. Hehe. Well I still haven’t had a 2D-Echo, and I don’t think now’s the time to ask my tatay for money for it. Maybe next week.

WE. ARE. DONE. WITH PREVMED. Yahoooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ecstasy. Haha. But well, now we have to prepare for Surgery Grand Rounds. My groupmates and I have been researching our asses off at the library and going back to the hospital to visit the patient and trying to extract every single detail from the mother, and begging Dr. Tan for help. Mitzi and Neil are still thinking about their PrevMed presentation, the 2nd Neil is also busy with the final paper for PrevMed, Ron and I are done with PrevMed, but Ron’s preoccupied with Student Council stuff. So I just volunteered to read the research with the most number of pages. Sure, I’d be spending the next week mastering the rectal anatomy and looking at pictures of anuses, but it’s okay, at least I’m done with PrevMed. They’ve got more important things to do. Good luck, guys. :)

People have been texting me, and I haven’t really replied to them because I’m either too busy to reply when I read their messages, or I’ve fallen asleep while typing my reply. Vida, thanks for the message and for that nice link. J Cha, thanks for the lotion and good luck with school. My sheegui friends, hope to see you all soon. Belated happy birthday to my tatay, the most wonderful dad in the whole world, and to Tap-Tap, the most pilyo inaanak I have. His mother told me this afternoon that he spent a good half a day in our house last Saturday, winking at one of my sister’s friends. Hehe. He just turned 4. To Bayi, Doc Emer and Sachi, thanks for dropping by. Will visit your blogs again soon and post some comments again. :)

I want to talk about some people right now because I’m so irritated. Really, really irritated. But I'm lazy. Maybe next time.

talk about diseases

I've been too busy to blog..

Okay, I've finally consulted a cardiologist, about two weeks ago. I'm kinda relieved he didn't find anything worrisome about my symptoms, and as Dr. Lazatin said, my ECG was "disgustingly normal". Hehe. But he told me that just for peace of mind, I can have a 2d-echo done because what could explain my symptoms would be mitral valve prolapse. I was right. The first time I heard about it in a lecture, I already suspected that I had it. Well I'm still trying to save money for it. I don't want to let my tatay know, because even though it's benign, he still might worry about me because there's always something worrying about when something's wrong with your body, right?

Then just two nights ago I felt a sudden RUQ pain. The first thing that came to my mind was a gallbladder stone. Eeeek! It was funny. Everytime I would pee I would take a look to see if it was already tea-colored. And while reviewing, I would look at my nails to see if I was starting to turn yellow or something. But seriously, I got scared. It was my first time to feel that pain. Good thing it's already gone now. I hope it won't come back because I'll really freak out. Haay. I guess paranoia really comes with medlife.

Last night I went to the wake of my late Lola Tinay, who passed away due to a heart disease. By the way, she's a breast cancer survivor. The only one in our clan who survived it. When I looked at her in her coffin last night, I stopped myself from crying. I'm not the least bit close to her. I only get to see her every Christmas and during some special occassions, but it's just sad because it's the 2nd death in the family just this year. I'd always remember her crying the second she sees us approaching her, because she'd remember my nanay and how she would always say my sister looked a lot like her. God bless her soul...

Sembreak, come quickly...

this is wrong

Peace and quiet at last.

Is it just me or do people really just have those times when you just feel down for no apparent reason at all? I mean, you don’t have any real big problem, everything’s going well, and yet, you’re not happy? In fact, you’re close to feeling miserable. And this morning I went to my room and punched my pillow about a dozen times trying to push all that bad energy out of my system.

Well it didn’t work.I’m still here with that what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-me feeling.You feel like something’s not right. Something’s missing. You feel empty. Just…. empty.

Please tell me that I’m normal.



Since I’ve started writing this entry, might as well say some more things.

I’m planning to consult a cardiologist this Monday. Nicky has already agreed to accompany me. I think I might be having a mitral valve prolapse. I hope I’m wrong. Bleh. I don’t know. Nicky’s right. “Ito mahirap sa may alam.” You get paranoid. And you get scared of going to the doc.

I’d like to post here the history of my present illness, but I’m afraid people would notice how ineptly I write histories. Hehe. And besides, I can’t even remember when the dyspnea actually started.

Medschool’s also making me dyspneic. And tachycardic. One word: Deadlines.

My PMS (Prev Med Syndrome) is coming back.