Rants and raves of an aging doctor

After 6 years of absence, I accidentally rediscovered that I, have a blog. I spent the night going through my previous entries, and more than half of it I couldn't remember writing. It was actually like reading someone else's blog.

The last entry I said just 2 more days and I'm done with clerkship. Wow. A lot has happened. I've finished clerkship, finished internship, graduated from medschool, passed the boards, went into OB-GYN residency, and finished 4 years of it.

Wow. When you put it like that, you wonder where all those years went. And yeah, I've broken up with my boyfriend after 10 years. We haven't seen each other for 2 years already. Oh well. Some things aren't meant to be I guess.

So I've been officially unemployed for 24 days. Been spending my days staying up late, waking up late, watching TV the whole day, taking breaks to eat meals three times a day and take a bath. The first few days I loved it. Having all the time to myself. Not having to wake up early, force myself to tolerate a very cold shower, then go to the hospital everyday and not go home every three days and wait for the next baby to be born. But then, after some time (in my case, after 2 weeks), I just suddenly missed that routine. A routine which provides me money monthly by the way..

My hands are itching to operate. I miss my SS patients. I miss the walls of the DR. Now I have to start all over again, by myself. With no schedule, no chairman or training officers to tell me what to do, no deadlines to meet. It's all up to me now. And I understand what my consultants have been telling me before: "Mami-miss mo yan pag-graduate mo." "Mahirap magsimula." "Akala nila pag doktor ka na at graduate ka na madaling kumita ng pera." Oh my gosh. So so true.

Now I'm trying to find stints so I could earn money while I'm waiting for exams in July. I mean, being 30 years old, a graduate of Medicine, and still totally dependent on my father is not easy. You just feel kind of guilty that your parents have spent a fortune on you so you can "reach for your stars". And then while you're doing residency you still depend on them because what you earn isn't really enough. And then after another graduation and a little extra letters after your name, you still have to depend on them until you figure out how to start your career for real. I mean, they should be retired by now, for Pete's sake. Okay, maybe not retired. But not really working as in, working hard for you. Right? My other friends have given their parents stuff like La-z-boys and holiday trips and executive check-up packages. The most expensive gift I've given my tatay was a 3-thousand peso camera which, I won during a raffle.

I suck. Big time.

Okay. That's not really my goal to shower my father with lucrative gifts and what-not. I just want to be not dependent on him anymore when it comes to expenses, and be able to provide for him instead. Give back. People always say "Naintindihan nya yun", "Pagdating ng araw sya naman ang tiba-tiba". People don't really understand how we feel and I can't blame them. But just believe us when we say, the situation we are in is hard. :(

Add to that, being single. Haha. I just really want to have my own family.. Hopefully before the cutoff for advanced maternal age. They say there's always someone for everyone.

If you're out there, what's taking you so long? Hahaha.

Oh well. That's it. As if there's somebody out there who will read this. I have to go back now to my throne in front of the TV. I love Discovery channel.

Nerd and proud.

Ciao.

clerk no more

almost.

only two days left.

so near yet so far.. ahhh..

Two's

Two more duties to go and we're done with East Ave rotation! wee!!

Two months into clerkship and so far, this is what I still want.

I've delivered two babies already. Loved it. :) Do I still want to be an Ob-Gyn someday? I dunno. Let's see what I'll want when I'm done with clerkship.

I have two thousand pesos left out of my savings.

Just a little more than two weeks before Bryan and I celebrate our 5th anniversary. :)

In two hours I'm going to sleep already.

Hope to post again regularly. I've too many stories to tell, and yet don't know where to start.

Maybe next time.

Enjoy the last few days of summer everyone! :)

white shoes

Wear them and be toasted alive.





Three more days before we enter the snake pit.

God help us.

pasko na naman

a

a

a

Happy Christmas everyone!!!

...and thanks to all those who greeted me a Happy Birthday. :)

I'm turning 23 in a few hours.. Eek.

I would've made a postcard type of greeting, but my laptop was reformatted and I haven't re-installed Photoshop yet. Hehe. La lang. Just wanted to mention. Oh never mind. Nonsense.

Peace! :)

23-to-be

Christmas is fast approaching! Woohoo. I'm already turning 23.

Ahhhh I'm out of money. Eeek. Went to Megamall with Dimple and Donnie last Wednesday, bought gifts. For exchange gifts, and gifts for my family. I haven't bought gifts for my friends yet. Hayyy. We saw Aiko Melendez there and her controversial fiance. Hehe.

Then we went to hear mass because it was the feast of the Immaculate Conception. Then decided to go to Gateway after with Nicky, Mitzi, Helen and Dimple. We celebrated in advance my 23rd birthday at Burgoo. Grabe sarap! Yummy yum yum. We were given a free set of chicken wings appetizer. I ordered Taco Mexicano pizza, Grilled Chicken Americana, Cheesy Beef Macaroni and Shrimp and Ribs Platter. I ate a lot!!! Loved the food! :) We were really full. Then later the servers approached our table and sang a birthday song to me and gave me vanilla ice cream with a little pink candle. Haha. I'm gonna miss times like this when we're already clerks. :(

Anyways, I hope I still get enough money to buy gifts for my inaanaks, and my friends, and others. And I still have my dues in school! Whaaa!!! Oh well. Christmas without spending is impossible. Hehehe.

Happy birthday to me!

post-DWTL entry

Congratulations to Helen for being chosen as the Rectress for the next Days with the Lord batch. :) You really really deserve it. Galeng! Hay I wish I'd stayed. But I had to go home. Homesick. Argh. Can you believe that? After 7 school years of staying in the city during weekdays, I still get homesick?

Anyways, just had to post that. I'm still searching my butt off for journals about Steven-Johnson Syndrome. I'm sooo tired already...

Less than a month to go before Christmas!!! Yehey!!

hello November

Wahahaha. I'm really getting to be a delinquent blogger. Not that I write meaningful entries, because I don't, but still this is a blog and it needs entries to nourish it.

Let's see...

I'm finally free from my "impacto" wisdom teeth, but half of my chin is still numb. Yeah yeah. Nerve injury. Still waiting for it to regenerate and hopefully start talking again without half of my lower lip lagging..

Back to school. We're done with the case conference after much tension. And now we're up for a journal presentation. Jeez. Will it ever end?

On a happy note, my semestral grades were all okay. I passed Pedia! Wooohoo!!! I literally was hopping my way out of Dr. Caja's room after getting that grade. Dr. Caja really must've thought I was nuts. Oh well...

I'm friends with my former bf. We're cool.

My laptop's cured of its viruses! Yay. But I lost all my games... Good thing there's still Super Mario.

I ate too much today. Huhuhu. What can I do? There were lots of food: Pansit, beef potroast, sugpo, chicken adobo. I feel like my stomach's given up on trying to push the food through to my intestines..

My cousin's gone through a lap cholecystectomy, and she's great now. Thank God.

And now, my grandfather's sick, his pancreas has nodules, so it has blocked the passageway for bile, leading to inflammation of his gallbladder. They're not advising surgery anymore, because his condition's a mess. He's already 74, he is hypertensive and diabetic. The doctor told them that he can go into hemorrhagic pancreatitis anytime. He's now regretful about his alcoholic intake before. He just stopped about a month ago, when he was diagnosed with cholecystitis. And then a CT scan revealed nodules in his pancreas. Now he refuses to go to the doctor, telling that it would kill him faster to know what his real illness is. Haaay. Let's hope for a miracle.

I customized my friendster profile. I wanted to make it look like my layout in this blog. I'm surprised it was much easier to customize it because there are drop-down boxes and you just have to choose the colors. Unlike this where I had to figure out the codes.

I watched Harry Potter last yesterday with Dimple. Absent kami. Hahaha! Not knowing the book has its perks too sometimes. You don't get disappointed with missing scenes because you don't know there were missing scenes at all. :) But I loved that movie. The effects were really awesome. By the way, we were at Gateway mall 3x just this week. Heehee. Nice coz the fx fare's just 10 pesos.

My new favorite: Breadtalk's Hot Chic. Yummy yum yum.

Christmas is getting near!!!! Wahoo! I'm turning 23... Is it just me who oftentimes forgets my own age? Seriously. When people ask me how old I am, I actually get confused if I'm 23 or 22... Grabe it's getting really cold na..

Clerkship's also getting near (assuming I pass 3rd year). Ay grabe katakot...

Pero I'm happy lapit na Pasko!!! Weeee!!!

happee

Happy.. sha la la... it's so nice to be happy... :)

My other wisdom tooth was already removed yesterday. My right cheek is really swollen. And it's really painful. I cried yesterday while the dentist was trying to remove the remnants of my tooth. Now, I can't eat. Can't open my mouth because it's reallly really painful. I cry when I brush my teeth. Hay....

:)

Thank you too Cha. :)

ouch

Just had my left lower third molar extracted this morning. Hurts. Really. And to think it was just a basic extraction that was made complicated by my tooth's unconvential position. Next week I'm scheduled for the extraction of my third molar on the right. That would be the surgery. Jeez. Can't imagine what it would be like. I'm so not looking forward to it.

Tomorrow we're going to school to interview our patient. I'm so not looking forward to it too.

Finally, talked with him. We're okay now. Just two words: Love hurts. Hahahaha.

@#%(*&

I just received an email from a groupmate saying that we're going to be given a patient for our Medicine case conference already.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God, perfect spoiler! Can't they let us enjoy the 3 friggin weeks of sembreak???? Kahit konti lang?? I mean, do we really have to report already the first week of 2nd sem? Can't they move it to the 2nd week nalang or something? Bwisit talaga!!! Naidas, mamatay ka na!!!!!!!!!!! Parang di ka naging estudyante! Sana lamunin ka na ng lupa kasama yang mga CAT for ek-ek mo na yan!

Shit. Where am I supposed to stay while we're doing that? I can't stay in the townhouse. I'll be alone! And people who know me know that I am a dead duwag of being alone, especially now that I'm kind of feeling things. And imagine if I have to go everyday to QC. The toll fees! Badtrip talaga!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maawa naman sila...

I need a break. I really am pissed.

happiness in an instant

I read my friendster testimonials all over again. Can't believe how happy that made me feel. :)

woooooo

I wanna go I wanna go!!! :)

honesty

Sometimes people come into your life and you know that they were meant to be there...to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be but when you lock eyes with them, you know that every moment they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, will power or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul.Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly-paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart to. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go out and live it.

---------

"The thing that makes me wanna cry is, I'm losing the best friend I ever had."

-from My Best Friend's Wedding

People, I hope you understand that line first before you react and shoot me.

sembreak finally

Yahoo.

That's a happy yahoo or a sarcastic yahoo depending on how you read it. Honestly, I don't know if I'm happy that I'm home or if I'm not. Can't show my true feelings here. While in QC, I have the whole room where I can just lock myself up and.. well. Some people know. I'm a great actor, huh? I remember this tv show which featured the clowns of Enchanted Kingdom, and one clown said that it's difficult to be one because what you try to show them is a happy and a without-a-care-in-the-world person, but deep inside you really are hurting. So true. And I found out crying can actually take me on the verge of fainting. Breathing just gets too damn hard.

Anyways..

How can you be friends with someone who doesn't even have respect for you? Someone who magnifies his/her happiness by telling the world lies to make you look bad in the eyes of others? You can't understand why they do that. I mean, you know they know what they're telling is not true. They know you can't do that.

Okay I'll stop. Life isn't fair huh?

So, it's sembreak finally. But I just got home today, although classes ended last Tuesday. Well after exams, we went home to change and then prepared for dinner. We rode Donnie's kakarag-karag car, (hahaha! Thanks! Quite an adventure) all the while praying that the car won't give up on us. Luckily, it didn't. So we went to Eastwood and had dinner at Jack's Loft. Loved the place and the food. Although we were seated next to a guy who was ready to shoot arrows at the staff for not being attentive to them.

Then after that, we were strolling around, not knowing where to go next. We all just didn't want to go home yet. We deserved that break after all those toxicities in school. And then we passed by UP Diliman, and this crazy Donnie just drove around to tour the place. My goodness. I never want to go that place again. We entered this road where it was really dark and scary, and Donnie was laughing because I got quiet suddenly. He was happy I guess that someone could relate to what he was seeing. No, I didn't see anybody. But the feeling was just too much I closed my eyes and covered them with my hands before I could see anything. But I felt that there were many people around us, looking at us. Yes, spirits. I don't even know how to explain that feeling. It was really scary, I really went weak. I was already about to cry because I was so scared. They must've thought at first I was kidding, and Donnie was really laughing at me. But when I begged him to leave the place immediately because I couldn't take it anymore, I guess they realized I wasn't kidding at all. If other people want to have that gift arrive at their doorstep, they can take mine before it even reaches me. I don't want to have that kind of gift. I'm happy being ordinary, seeing only what an ordinary person can see, nothing more, thank you.

So after that scary thing, we decided to go to Quezon Ave. and try to see what bars have good shows that night. Then we came upon Punchline, and decided to go there when we saw Anton Diva was performing. It was hilarious! Haha. They were really funny. Very green, but still very funny. And Tuko! Omg, he was awesome. Haha. The voice! And that mannequin talent. Haha. Too bad they took my camera, it wasn't allowed inside, so we weren't able to take pictures. Cristy Fermin was there with Joseph and Sandara. Sandara was sooo thin! But yeah, pretty like on tv. :) And then, at 2 am, we left. I wanted to stay a little longer, since the 2nd set was just beginning, but, we have to go home before Nicky transforms into Dugong. :)

Then yesterday, woke up early to go to school and submit my pediatric history, then afterwards, Dimple and I went to SM North. I had my ears pierced again, and of all times for my symptoms to attack, why did it have to be during an ear piercing? Good God. I really really looked stupid to the people of Ibay's because after the 2nd earring shot through my earlobe, I suddenly just went dyspneic, pale, and my vision was slowly turning dark. Imagine what they were thinking. Fainting because of ear piercing?? And the lady who was doing the piercing was so scared she was asking me if I still wanted to continue, and she started talking to her workmates in a really fast native language. She was almost panicking. Whaaaa!!! I showed her my medicines and explained to her how my heart problem makes me feel like fainting and all. She really thought it was due to the piercing. Hello! It's like, what, my 3rd time to have my ears pierced? That was really embarrassing. Next time I'm buying earrings there I'll first have to take a peek if any of the 3 ladies are there or not. Jeez. Will I be like this the rest of my life? Having attacks anytime, anywhere? This is going to be difficult...

I'm going to be scheduled for my wisdom teeth extraction. Yes, teeth. Two of them grew inside my mouth in an unconvential way. This is what really scares me now, because I'm at risk of having infective endocarditis because of my valve prolapse. Oh God I hope I don't get it. I'm really really getting paranoid. I still want to live happily for many more years. Huhu. I'm going to buy the damn best antibiotics the world has ever heard of.. Hehe.

And now, here I am. Home.

Yahoo.

another goodbye

My 25-year-old cousin with cerebral palsy died just this morning because of choking. I feel very sorry for my Nanay Dely who loves her dearly. My father told me she's feeling guilty about my cousin's death. She was the one feeding her during breakfast. I hope that feeling would go away soon because she has no reason to be guilty at all. She's taken care of my cousin for 25 long years, I've witnessed how well she took care of her.

God bless them. Say hello to God for me, ate Rendell. :)

mvp

So last night while reviewing for Pharma, it happened again. I was already dyspneic for an hour, then I suddenly felt again my hands going numb, and my vision turning dark, and me not being able to breathe. God, I panicked. I mean, who wouldn't panic? I couldn't breathe. When I told Dimple I'm sure she must have felt so scared too. What were we to do? Jeez. What am I supposed to do when I have that kind of attack again? Good thing when I started crying because I was so scared, the symptoms gradually disappeared. I wasn't able to study for Pharma well because of it. I was dyspneic until I fell asleep. I must've gotten tired from all the crying that I eventually fell asleep.

True enough, I was almost clueless about all the prescription questions. Thank God I got good scores the first two exams before. Then after the exam, we went to Yellow Cab for lunch, Dimple's birthday treat. Then Ice Monster after. Yum. Thanks Dimplet! Belated Happy Birthday! :)

Then after that, we went straight to Delos Santos Medical Center for my 2D-Echo result. I was right, Mitral Valve Prolapse. I had thickening of the anterior mitral valve leaflet with posterior displacement during systole. But the rest are normal, including the color-flow doppler. Whew. According to Nicky, I should really start a TLC. I'm now one of the few people in class with uncommon conditions: one has SLE, another with Pseudotumor Cerebri, one with Thrombocytopenia, and another with Ma.... hehehe. Make a guess.

Anyways, I almost forgot. This blog just turned one. Too bad I had to take down my first blog.

Sembreak's in less than two weeks! Woohoooo!!!!!!

Then at the start of next sem, we're up for the Case Con. Darn.

the sixth

It’s been 6 years since my mother died. Six years might seem like a long time already, but even now, I can’t believe it’s already been that long since I last saw my mother alive. I’ve already been used to living my life without my real mother with me, but still when I’m alone not doing anything, I remember her, and I just start crying.

I know my father’s been really good, he’s been doing everything for us, and he’s not breaking his promise to my mother that he will take good care of us. But it’s still different when you have both parents with you, instead of just one. Just think, losing a leg and having prosthesis. Although it’s functional and you can live your life normally, that leg is lost forever, you know you lost a part of you, and your life will never ever be the same.

Whenever I see children with their mothers, I just feel so envious. I’ve always thought what life would have been like if my mother was still here with me. I’d always imagine her witnessing me graduating from medical school and fulfilling my dream, getting married and having a family of my own, spoiling my kids and taking care of them just like the way she took care of me and my sister. That would have been wonderful. Suddenly, reality sinks in, and I realize it’s simply impossible.

I wish she was still here with me. I’d give anything just to see her alive again and just be able to hug her again even just once.

But then, I also think, if my mother had still been alive, would I have realized how blessed I am to have my tatay? How wonderful a father he is? Maybe that’s what God’s plan was for taking away my mother away from me early. That even if I lost one parent, there still is another one who deserves all my love and respect, who is capable of taking care of me like the way my mother did, who will still be there to witness me fulfilling my dream of becoming a doctor, getting married and having a family of my own, spoiling my kids, and yes, even arguing with the other moms whose kids start bullying mine.

Funny how God thinks of ways for us to realize how blessed we are and how grateful we should be despite our problems, don’t you think?

I know you’re happy up there with Him, Nanay, and you’re still watching over us. I miss you.

nyerks

Two weeks. I’ve been too busy and too lazy to blog.

Didn’t come home last weekend because of Days. Hayyy. It was fun, but I would’ve enjoyed it more had I not been too pooped the week before. Those times that I could’ve stayed in the prayer room and talked to Him alone, I just spent sleeping and trying to get some rest for the upcoming week. Psssh. And the issues. Oh the issues. Forgive me… They’re just inevitable sometimes. There just are some people with ugly things written all over their faces and sometimes you just can’t help but notice and read them.

I’m now taking Propranolol. Just last Friday during a discussion I suddenly just had palpitations. I was already scared at first because that was the first time I had that kind of palpitations and with that duration. Then when I tried participating in the discussion I just couldn’t breathe, and I got so scared that I felt my arms going numb. The next thing my classmates were around me and Dr. Ong was trying to feel for my pulse, and told me to go to the clinic. That was so scary, I cried. Just imagine not being able to breathe. So then I went to the clinic, and thankfully the symptoms disappeared. And I got my 2nd order to have a 2D-Echo plus a hefty serving of sermon from Dr. Velasco. Hehe. Well I still haven’t had a 2D-Echo, and I don’t think now’s the time to ask my tatay for money for it. Maybe next week.

WE. ARE. DONE. WITH PREVMED. Yahoooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ecstasy. Haha. But well, now we have to prepare for Surgery Grand Rounds. My groupmates and I have been researching our asses off at the library and going back to the hospital to visit the patient and trying to extract every single detail from the mother, and begging Dr. Tan for help. Mitzi and Neil are still thinking about their PrevMed presentation, the 2nd Neil is also busy with the final paper for PrevMed, Ron and I are done with PrevMed, but Ron’s preoccupied with Student Council stuff. So I just volunteered to read the research with the most number of pages. Sure, I’d be spending the next week mastering the rectal anatomy and looking at pictures of anuses, but it’s okay, at least I’m done with PrevMed. They’ve got more important things to do. Good luck, guys. :)

People have been texting me, and I haven’t really replied to them because I’m either too busy to reply when I read their messages, or I’ve fallen asleep while typing my reply. Vida, thanks for the message and for that nice link. J Cha, thanks for the lotion and good luck with school. My sheegui friends, hope to see you all soon. Belated happy birthday to my tatay, the most wonderful dad in the whole world, and to Tap-Tap, the most pilyo inaanak I have. His mother told me this afternoon that he spent a good half a day in our house last Saturday, winking at one of my sister’s friends. Hehe. He just turned 4. To Bayi, Doc Emer and Sachi, thanks for dropping by. Will visit your blogs again soon and post some comments again. :)

I want to talk about some people right now because I’m so irritated. Really, really irritated. But I'm lazy. Maybe next time.